The summer is usually one of my favourite times, and I've been anticipating this summer more than I usually would.
I've designed blogs and websites full time for almost four years but for the past year, instead of one-on-one client work I've craved blogging, being involved in my community and creating online courses.
If you've read my blog, you already know I love goal setting. I'm a complete day planner / agenda / goal setting / personal development / journaling nerd and for a long time I blogged my monthly goals here.
Usually, my goals are focused around actions I can take on a daily basis and the ways that I want to be in the world.
But this year for the first time I set a big scary goal: I wanted to make $150,000 this year.
Being in my third year of working for myself this was scary! While I track how much I earn every month I've never set concrete financial goals before, and this would be my biggest earning year yet. I was determined and excited about it- and I knew that I could hit those numbers if I just hustled hard enough.
At the time, this wasn't my primary goal of the year. It was a way of expressing that I was transitioning from working with clients on large scale one-on-one projects, to consulting work, speaking and teaching classes. But there was something about that number that stuck in my head.
Instead of focusing on transitioning my work from one-to-one to one-to-many, I started thinking about $150,000.
All the time.
Instead of thinking about how I want to blog consistently and be a better community member, I started worrying about $150,000.
I don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the line, I pinned my worthiness to something I couldn't control.
As it always does, this year life has happened. I've taken time off to travel, said yes to working with past clients on updating their sites, had a number of projects triple in scope, and have prioritized friendships, family, and experiencing the world around me.
It felt great and is completely in line with my priorities! But on paper, I was a failure.
At first I thought there was no harm in keeping that $150,00 number around on my planning sheets.
I would still update them as an income tracking tool, no big deal!
But by June I wasn't updating them anymore because there was $150,000 staring me down every time I opened them up.
I know that it's a fictional $150,000.
It doesn't really exist.
It's a phantom, an idea, and a benchmark that I made up.
And while I know it's not where my happiness or worthiness lives, the frustration and claustrophobia I let it create inside of me was very real.
We've all had these moments and so often they're tied to numbers, aren't they?
It can be page views, dollars earned, days of vacation comments on a post or pounds on a scale. If it's easy to measure, it's easy for us to weaponize against ourselves.
After floundering for a few months, telling myself that I “couldn't” blog while I had client work on my to do list and living too much in my head I went to my family's cabin earlier this month. Limited internet and distractions resulted in dialing up the volume on my internal monologue and intuition, and I finally realized what had been feeling so wrong. I needed to re-set my priorities and goals for the year now, before they leveled me!
Here's what I did & how to re-set your goals if they don't serve you:
1. Define Your Values
Your values (or priorities) are the big picture, overarching themes you'd like to focus on through your actions. These can help give you a framework for what you'll say yes to and make time for, so your year starts to take the shape that you've set for it.
2. Find Ways To Express Your Values Through Action
The trick for this part is to balance being specific with what you want with being specific about how you accomplish that. If you vow to run a mile a day but get injured, how do you negotiate that? Make sure you don't paint yourself into a corner.
I find what works best is having goals that are specific about the value or priority I want to honour but are flexible about the method and timeline.
So instead of “Run a mile a day”, if my overall value is health, I would re-word that to something like: “Work up a sweat on most days of the week.” This gives me flexibility while getting at the heart of what I want to experience.
This is the part where, if I'd set the goal of “transition my work from one-to-one to one-to-many” I would have been on track, but on paper, I'd set a goal that focused on the exact way my work would shift by focusing on “Earn $150,000 this year”.
3. Try to Loosen That Death Grip on Your Expectations
This is the piece where I have the most work to do (clearly!) because my goal fails this test spectacularly. In fact, my goal was just one giant expectation! Having expectations is completely normal, but having lofty and elaborate ones is a recipe for disaster – especially if we pin our hearts to how people respond to us. Not only can we never control that, and it's usually not even about us.
Trying to have fewer expectations is hard, but I find that staying in the moment helps – as does just writing them out without judgment or qualifications. Making myself aware of what I expect from a situation can be a great way to put some distance between myself and them, and is a helpful first step away from valuing them so highly.
Though I doubt that my ego would be devastated if it was around $150,000 ;)
How do balance your planning and expectations with being present and in the moment? Have you ever had a goal that had an unexpected dark side, or hurt your progress more than it helped?
LAST UPDATED ON: August 6th, 2014
CATEGORY: All Business & Blogging Posts Productivity for Entrepreneurs
Great post. It’s totally normal to feel bad when you don’t meet an arbitrary goal and it’s even ok to spend a day or two living in to that and feeling blue. But then it’s time to take a deep breath, refocus and reset. Excellent advice in this post.
Thanks Alli! You’re absolutely right, taking time to “feel your feelings” is an important part of figuring all this out. And then? Onward & upward!
Ooof. This is such a fine line. It’s so hard to find the balance of goals (and the wording) that motivate and goals that sap your motivation. Worse, the things that work for some people work terribly for others.
(Wow…I was thinking about this is a personal goal-setting way, but now I’m realizing that this is something that can be really critical to get right in a mentoring-type relationship. My life in a nutshell, right there).
So true! Style & interpretation play a huge part of how any relationship – especially one with a mentor – works. Or doesn’t, as the case may be. I was really surprised that something as simple as the wording or way I was thinking about part of my goal turned into something that was holding me back. I’m thankful that I caught it before it did any more damage! And I’m excited for you to get into a situation where you can be your own motivator & evaluator. Academia is not for the faint of heart. xo
As an avid list maker, goals are huge for me but I am normally too scared to set big goals. Really, my fear blocks me more than any goal I’ve ever set which is so silly!
That’s not silly at all Laura, I think it’s a huge part what holds us back in so many areas of our lives. I find that it’s helpful for me to talk through the worst case scenario, or just write it out, so I can take it all the way through to it’s logical end. When the worst case scenario isn’t imagined anymore, that lets me ask myself, “Would I still have a roof over my head? Would anyone be hurt? What will the cost to me be if I stay exactly where I am and don’t chase this? What exactly am I afraid of here?”. Most of the time, I realize that the stakes aren’t as high as I’ve been imagining. That technique could be one to add to your tool box and test out! :)
I had a similar experience this past month. Being too hard on yourself can really crush your creativity and make you feel as though you’re just going in circles. When I took a step back and gave myself some wiggle room, I was shocked at how much it boosted my mood and productivity! It was definitely an eye-opener for me.
I’m glad to hear that you’ve broken through that block, Vanessa. We so often say things to ourselves in our own heads that we would never say to someone else, or let someone say to our friends! I hope you’re still riding the positivity & energy wave this brought you :)
Hi Kyla! This was a GREAT and timely post for me. I’ve spent the past year working on myself. Working on the little things that have added up to a lot of big differences in the way I live and see my life. I went home this weekend to see my family, who I hadn’t seen in a long time. I had built up this homecoming in my head with how amazed that everyone would be over some of the changes that have happened (including losing almost 2 dress sizes). Well, that didn’t exactly happen… No one said a word and I was crushed. Your post reminded me that the changes I’ve made, and the things I’m still working on were and are for me. While I feel they should be more supportive and happy for me, the fact is, just because they’re not, it doesn’t mean that what I’ve accomplished so far isn’t awesome!!
I really needed that reminder. Thanks!! :)
Wow, it sounds like you’ve been going through a huge transformation Peggy. That’s amazing – congratulations! I hope you’re celebrating the changes you’re seeing in your life and enjoying how you feel. It’s so tough to go through a big change, and to feel like the people around you aren’t recognizing the new you. But at the same time, change takes time for the people around us to adjust to – especially if they haven’t been there step by step to grow with you. And our changes can stir up all kinds of feelings in others, including judgement of themselves that might not feel too good. It sounds like you’ve got great perspective, so keep being yourself and trust that their picture of who you are will grow as it feels more and more familiar to them. This is even more reason to hold tight to the people who are changing right along with you & throwing parades for your success, and to shine that right back on them! It makes you rare & wonderful to them too.
I have only recently learned to set goals that aren’t too rigid/destined to fail. Sometimes I still find myself setting goals that I think other people would set but don’t necessarily line up with my own values or where I am at in my life. It’s a work in progress!
It absolutely is a work in progress, and thank goodness for that! If we weren’t allowed do overs it would be a heck of a lot less interesting ;)
Thanks for this post, Kyla! I completely agree that goals should really be about actions based on our values, and must have flexibility. Otherwise, it’s the old scenario of “I’ve climbed up the ladder, only to find it leaning against the wrong wall.” OR, we set ourselves up for failure. This post was a nice reminder to me, because as much as I know about this stuff intellectually, I sometimes go to the other extreme of working for things but not setting ANY goals because of the fear of not measuring up to them. Something for me to do some thinking and work on this month for sure.
“I’ve climbed up the ladder, only to find it leaning against the wrong wall.”
I love this and I’ve never heard it before- thanks Valerie! It’s hard to find a balance between our tendencies – either to over do it with goals, or to avoid it completely. But I know that for myself, what I’m avoiding is usually what I need to set myself to work on.
I’d challenge you to sit down this week and set a goal for the month that’s in line with your values. Write it down & put to somewhere you’ll see every day, and then check in with yourself at month end and see how that felt. What do you think? :)