“Getting married is fine as long as you're sure, right? If you're sure why wait?”
“Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting. I just don't know that we would have got married for a long time if we didn't do it now.”
“Hmm…..How old are you though, you're super young right?”
“Yea, I'm twenty three”
“That's what I thought….well if you're sure!”
One of the things that can always stop me in my tracks is the truth that can bubble up from conversations with strangers. None of my friends have ever asked me if I'm sure about getting married. No one has broached the subject of my age with me. I'm sure that it's something that crosses their minds but, no one seems to be able to articulate it. And when people put things in those terms…..I don't know how to answer.
I mean, what is it exactly that I'm mean to be unsure of?
I think and hope that the lack of questioning from my friends & family has something to do with their faith in our relationship- fiancé and I have been together for coming on four years and have lived together for three and a half of them. As much as I'm firmly planted in the lean years of my twenties, I've always felt more like a thirtysomething than anything else. I've been working full time for three years, I've only ever worked with people my age at one job I held for 4 months, and now with the dogs, mortgage, and relationship that's past the first date phase…
I mean it doesn't scream Twenties to me.
No one else I know is doing this – I only need one hand to count the number of my friends who have been in relationships for longer than six months, and almost none of my friends have even been to a wedding before. I mean, I've only been to three weddings, and for one of them I was the flower girl.
Honestly, that part of this is a little daunting. But that's not about our marriage, that's about…being the first person I know to jump off the 10 meter diving board. That's about unknowns, and only having my future husband to talk to about what this marriage is going to be, but there's intimacy in that, even if there's a little uncertainty.
I'm not ready to never go out. I'm not ready to talk babies. I'm not ready to give up my girls. I'm not ready to ask the person I love to change, or for us to make more money, or for us to try and impress. I'm certainly not ready to give up the idea of turning my tattoo into a back piece. And no matter how much life experience I've crammed into myself, I'm not ready for us to be full blown adults. And I don't think that we should have to be.
The reason I want to marry this guy is because of how great we are together right now, how great we have been in the past, and how great we will be in the future – as different as that picture will be from how it looks now. I don't want our wedding to be a classic and timeless affair – I want it to be full of our energy and passion, and to reflect who we are at this moment in time exactly. I want to have an amazing time, go to our fancy hotel room and collapse in a heap of love, and go back to work in three days. I want to have our families meet, see our new home, have some great food and give them the first marriage in either family in over 20 years.
I want hope to hang thick in the air, ready for us to turn it into reality.
Fiancé doesn't have to be my husband to ask “Are you okay?” from downstairs anytime I clip a door frame with my shoulder, and I don't need to be his wife to be able to tell who he's talking to on the phone by his tone of voice. My name is going to be changing at the end of the month, but right now I think that's all that will be changing. And I'm really happy about that. If we had things that needed changing, I would be worried about this marriage stuff.
When people ask me if I'm excited for the wedding, I answer that of course I am – but in the grand scheme of things, the day is going to be a really personal ceremony followed by a wonderful dinner party. I'm excited to formalize my relationship with a wonderful guy. I'm excited to be married to him – just as excited as I am to be his girl, no matter what the legal status of that is.
Two Saturdays from now all I know is I'm going to have a ton of fun. I'm going to be ready.
LAST UPDATED ON: September 16th, 2008
CATEGORY: All Posts
It always surprises me how differently different groups of people think about the marriage age. At nineteen I’ve already known at least four people within two years of my age who are married. Most of my friends are going to wedding after wedding (um, I’m not actually invited to any of them, but that’s another story…).
So I guess it just surprises me that people would consider 23 “too young.” By the time I’m 23 and still unmarried (as I assume I will be considering I’ll still be in college), I’m pretty sure I’ll be considered an “old maid.”
It sounds to me like those are the right reasons to be getting married.
To me it is less about the age, and more about the reasons (and the rush– 4 years isn’t a rush).
According to your sidebar, 10 days?! Wow!!!
I’m 24 and feel a bit young, but have a lot of faith, of course. And everybody else does, too. Also –
No one else I know is doing this – I only need one hand to count the number of my friends who have been in relationships for longer than six months
Same thing here.
i seriously love your outlook on this. you just radiate happiness. it’s so nice to hear someone talk about such a special connection. congrats to you lady!
As long as YOU’RE ready, then no one should have a worry or complaint. Leave all that aside. Two weeks!!
I would ignore the marrying young talk. You’re mature and ready for this, that’s all that matters!
FYI: I loved the photos of your hair and make-up. Loving it!!
I dont think marriage = no going out and having fun.
My thing is, especially when it comes to relationships, only you know if the time is right. Nobody else.
I flat out dont give relationship advice because when it comes down to it…people are going to do what they want anyway and I think thats fine- thats how it should be.
If that makes any kind of sense, I dont know?
Oh I hateddddddddd people getting all condescending with me when they found out how old I was and getting married. Yeah, yeah, I didn’t think I’d ever get married and if I did it was going to be when I was 35 but here I am, married at 24.
You know what though? You are more mature than the average 30 year old woman, but not in a bad way (in a really good, self aware way) and most people get married for the wrong reasons. They get married because they want the wedding (let me say 80 percent of people do that) then there’s the people that are afraid nothing better will come along and don’t want to ‘die alone’, then there are the people that don’t really know where the relationships are going so figure they will get married.
You’re none of these. You have nothing to be worried about.
I think people should get married when they’re ready. I have friends who got married at 23 and are still married a decade later. I have other friends who got married at 30 and were divorced by 32. So, age really has nothing to do with it. You seem grounded and clearly have history with the fiance. So, all I can say is, I’m so very happy for you!
Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog.
Who knows when they are ready to be married? I was married at 26, the first time. At the time I thought I was on the older side. Ha. But I was stupid because I was not all that sure of what I was doing. I was not sure of who I even was. I was certainly not sure it would work.
So I am not one to give advice. Only that I wish you the best and if you’ve found the love of your life, more power to you! Plus, you’ll have more time to grow together, be alone together and really plan for the future as you enjoy your youth.
I think you’re spectacular. Which might not be here nor there in regard to this post- but.. yeah.
awwww congratulations on having such a mature and honest relationship and self-awareness – and of course, getting married in two weeks! i’m sure its going to be wonderful. age really doesnt matter, everyone is different and there shouldnt be room to judge just cause someone’s live doesnt match what you *think* it should be…
cant wait to see pics :)
Well gosh, if you ever need some reinforcement that you’re not the youngest person in the world getting married, just make a quick trip to NW Iowa. I come from land of the young marrieds. I am 23 and can say that over half of my graduating class is married. (I’ll get there some day, I hope!)
I think there is something magical about growing together, rather than finding each other after you have grown. You’ll get to go through all of those twenty-something experiences together. You’re going to have so much fun!
First of all, it amazes me how different the social landscape is in Canada versus the States. When you said you were 23 and none of your friends are married, I was shocked. I actually thought you were British because from the time I’ve spent there it seems like people get married much later than they do here. As an American, let me tell you that my first friend got married when we were 20 (her husband was 19!) and it just kept going from there. By the time I got married last October, at 25, half my friends were already married.
But the age at which you get married is probably number 9967 on the top 10,000 things of importance in making a happy, successful marriage. So don’t even give it a moment’s thought. It’s completely irrelevant when you get right down to it.
But please don’t think that nothing will change when you’re married. My husband and I had been together for about the same length of time as you and your fiance have been. But marriage still changes things. For us, these changes have been great. It’s tough to define, but things are just different, but in an amazing way. It really is wonderful to be his wife and to know he’s my husband. It changes the way you approach your relationship, to some extent. We rarely argue, but the one argument we’ve had since getting married was very different from any arguments we’d had in the past. It was kind of like, “OK, we’re going to resolve this because that is what we vowed to do.” We were both angry, but we just approached it in a different way. I don’t know, like I said it’s hard to explain, but I did want you to know that marriage IS different (or else why would we get married?). I think some people are so shocked that anything changes at all that it makes them uncomfortable and makes that first year or so really tough; I know I saw that happen with some of my friends, though they all got through it. We are celebrating our one-year anniversary next month and looking back on the last year, I’m just overwhelmed with how much more I love him now than when we got married, and how much stronger our relationship is now.
But like Jen said, your life doesn’t have to change in any fundamental way. I still have single friends. We’re not starting a family any time soon. We still go out and have a good time. I don’t know that marriage ever means trying to change your spouse. And being married doesn’t mean you have to be “full blown adults.” We certainly aren’t! Just know that any plans or goals you have will be shared by the other; all your successes will be shared with each other, which means all your failures will be shared, too. As long as none of those goals, successes, or failures overshadow your
relationship with each other, you’ll be fine, regardless of age.
I guess the only thing is that my life is so very different now that it was seven years ago, I think there is very little I would keep. But, if you’re getting married and you feel good about it, why not? Then you get to change together. In my group of friends, the first couple got married at 25, and they’re doing great. It all depends.
Ah, the young question. My friend Mel, whom I’m mentioned yesterday is 24 and getting married on your wedding day as well. We were out for her bachelorette party a few weeks ago, at a Cardinals game, and I’m not joking when I say that 8 people came up to her and asked her if she was even 18 and why on earth would she be getting married? (She had a bachelorette sash on.) It angered those of us who are with her.
I think to understand why someone is getting married is to truly know the person (I’ve known Mel for 7 years) and to know the couple (they’ve been together for three). They make sense. They jive. It works. They work. They love each other. They are IN love with each other.
People should mind their own business. It’s right for you, at this time, at this moment, in this life, YOUR life, and that should be enough for everyone. Everyone should rally around you, offer support, hugs, presents, congratulations and best of all well wishes for your wedding.
I don’t know you or your fiance but from the way you write and talk about him and you relationship I have no doubt in my mind that you guys are going to make it.
Not that you asked for my opinion but there you have it. You have a wonderful, positive, romantic view on life and I think it’s super. Keep it up, Kyla.
First of all, Kyla, I never would have guessed that you are so young! And that is a compliment – you not only seem mature, but self-aware. And I personally think self-awareness is hugely important when committing to a marriage.
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a social life or girlfriends or that you have to get knocked up immediately (even though some of us will be doing that… heh – but I’ve got 5 years on you!). As I see it, marriage is putting your best self into sharing a life with someone. Part of your best self is your friends. So please – don’t start conforming now! You are fabulous just as you are :-)
I’m only a year older than you and also getting married, and I’ve had to deal with the same thing. I keep reminding myself that people mean well. Sometimes it helps. What I don’t understand is why so many people see marriage as the end of your old life. You’re still you and your life is still going to be more or less the same once you’re married. Being married doesn’t prevent you from achieving other things in your life.
At the risk of sounding condescending, I think you are definitely far more mature than the average 23 year old. I forget, in fact, that you are that young until something is said about it.
I don’t know you well, Kyla, but I do have faith that you are not marrying for a wedding, nor for a fantasy, nor for the idea of a marriage. I have faith that you are getting married for a marriage, and that everything is going to be just fine.
People will say all sorts of stupid things. I am 35 and people still blow me off and say “Oh, you will change your mind” when I tell them I am not going to have children.
Don’t listen to them. They really are not worth the trouble. ;)