I don't write about my anxiety and depression as much as I'd like to. Mostly because it's so folded into my experience as a person that I forget other people don't have the same experience.
But last week I spoke about design at a MBlog, blogging conference in Winnipeg, and the experience shifted the axis of how I think about myself. Why?
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, and not a cute amount.
Source: One Day At A Time by Simple Hue
If it's not treated, it's a debilitating amount. The kind that puts thoughts into my head that I can't stop and don't want to think, makes me so exhausted from just being awake that I have to sleep for long portions of the day, and makes me feel like the stress and emotion of the world is dialed up to 9. And almost anything can tip it over the edge into a 10.
Fast forward to 2014, and last week I spoke at a blogging conference. And I had fun.
I didn't obsess about it the week before. I didn't freak out when I go there. I had excited jitters right before, but mostly I genuinely had fun. This isn't a humble brag, for me it's a full on tectonic level shift that I'm outright celebrating!
For so long I thought that I was bad at being a grown up person. No one else reacted to things like me, or felt things like me. I thought they were dealing with what I was feeling, but better. In late 2009, my depression escalated and I spoke with a doctor who told me that my world wasn't what being a person felt like. What I was feeling is what being mentally ill felt like – and it was probably optional if I explored treatment.
And I was so lucky. I went to therapy, and eventually the first medication I tried started to lift what I had been suffering through off of me. I went to therapy and learned about taking care of myself in deeper ways.
Now, my symptoms are barely part of my life anymore. I take care of myself, and I take a high dosage of medication everyday to make sure that my brain is getting everything it needs to work normally.
Since so much of resistance and static that made everyday so gut wrenchingly difficult has been lifted, I'm one of the happiest people you'll meet. Not because I'm a Pollyanna, but because I'm incredibly thankful to be fully participating in my life, and feeling all of it.
In 2009, imagining that I could give a talk at a conference would have been impossible. And the idea that I could actually enjoy doing it would be hilarious.
In 2014, I had a great time. I got my ideas across with personality and warmth, and met some really fabulous people.
And yes, I definitely needed to sleep when I got home because I was very tired out. And I felt a little wired from the experience the next day. But mostly I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and astonishment for how much my life has changed.
Not long ago, wishing for this would have been like wishing to start breathing underwater. It wouldn't even make sense to hope for that, when doing the grocery shopping took everything I could muster.
Source: Visual Statements on Facebook
The Bloggess was one of the speakers at the conference I spoke at, and she has a fabulous saying: depression lies. She couldn't be more right.
Anxiety, depression, bipolarism, and all mental health issues lie to us in huge, terrible ways. Mostly about how it will never feel different. But they also lie in small ways, everyday, about who we are and what we should hope for.
Please don't believe them. It can feel different, and you be exactly who you want to be. It takes work, and it's not easy, but you really can do it.
It's a hard time of year with the winter in full force, so if you're dealing with any of this please get help. Speak to someone you love about making a plan to get help that they can support you with, speak to a therapist or to a doctor. If your depression is mild, exercise for some extra endorphins, or dance it out, or watch comedy specials that make you laugh until your face hurts. Or Cry.
Do what feels right for you. Just know that you're not in it alone, so please don't try to solve it alone.
So today I'm celebrating my discovery that I'm the kind of person who likes speaking about things I'm passionate about. And tomorrow will be different, and none of us have any idea how we'll feel this time next year.
But in case you're having trouble hoping, I'm going to hope that it's better we can imagine, and I'm going to hope hard enough for both of us. Just in case you need a little extra.
Feb 26th Update: Murphy's Law! As soon as I posted about this, I got hit with the worst rough patch I've had in well over a year. It's been a rough two weeks but I'm taking care of myself, getting enough sleep, and reminding myself that while it's frustrating it's just another phase and another season. Just like everything else in life! I'm right there with you. xo
LAST UPDATED ON: February 7th, 2014
CATEGORY: All Posts
I just wanted to say I think this is a beautifully honest post and thank you for sharing your story. It resonates with me in various ways. You seem like a very gracious person with a big heart and I am excited to be discovering your blog.
Thank you so much, Marie! That means a lot to me :)
Kyla – I too suffer from generalized anxiety disorder – and GAD can it be bad! Wakka wakka.
Joking aside, GAD and depression are serious, and there have been more days than I’d like to admit when waking up at 6:52 instead of 6:47am threw my entire day into a turmoil of terrible.
I read this post when you first published, but returned to it today when I was probed to submit a proposal for presentation for DevLearn 2014 – one of the e-learning industry’s largest conference. I’m still in shock because I really don’t know if i would consider myself presenter material, and I was once pushed to tears giving an oral presentation during my undergrad…but I’m actually considering it now, and I hope that if I go, I’ll be able to write a similar post and share my experiences. Hopefully I’ll even be able to laugh in the face of that professor who made me cry!
If you are able to write a blog with any kind of regularity, twice a year even, you donth don’t have any kind of depression I am familiar with. People like you anger me. Keep up your therapy of course but your life is easy.
I have treatment resisant double depression with GAd
I have been told I have had it since a child
I have difficulty making a sandwich let alone doing anything that would allow me to forward my life. A terrible life.
Stop whining. I also have social anxiety except the one thing I can do is perform or talk to any large group of people. Never one to one like at a party. Cant Can’t do that
That was the only time I felt at home. But the ability to try and get on stage again is gone. Some have bouts of depression.
I have miniscule bouts of semi nom=rmalcy. Not long enough to do much.
Except when I get worked up about people who are accomplishing something and say depression has been so hard on them. I have taken so many drugs I have done weeks of Etc which I am told helps 70 percent of the time. Did not make a dent in my misery.
I need amphetamines to get close to normal for a few hours but they take a terrible toll
So stop writing about depression, you don’t have it. Keep up with any message and talk therapy
I do even if it does nothing
GTH
Carey
Thanks for sharing your experience, Carey. I can’t imagine what that feels like, but I appreciate you telling your story here, even if it’s from a place of anger.
I don’t think that anyone with mental illness needs to qualify their experience to anyone. There’s a huge stigma against people with mental illness, and I think it’s important that we support each other no matter how symptomatic or asymptomatic we are at that moment. But that’s my opinion, not yours, and I’m not suffering like you are. I completely respect your anger.
If you’re curious about reading more about the start of my journey, and how I used to feel, you can read about it here. Talk therapy doesn’t help me. Exercise doesn’t help me. A very high dosage of medication, over many years, is what has helped me. CBT techniques and a dark sense of humour have helped me a lot, and I’ve had this since I was a kid too. And I still have bad days. My main issue is GAD, so they’re not immobilizing suicidal days, but they’re their own exhausting, frightening cocktail of awful.
I’m not trying to tell you you’re wrong. I want you know know a little more about me so it might mean more when I say, if being angry at people like me is one of the only things that gives you a window of normal and functional?
Stay angry. Rage. Do what makes you feel anything other than depression, and stay alive. You’re doing battle, and even if it doesn’t feel like it today, it sounds like you’re an amazing warrior.
Beautifully written!
I’ve thankfully only been through depressed phases, never any sort of full blown chronic depression – usually caused by me being dishonest with myself and not acknowledging what I truly want and that what I have isn’t working, but I have some anxiety and insecurity problems and these kinds of posts always give me hope that there’s something better ahead when I’m going through darker times.
Thank you for sharing, you are such an amazing person.
I am so happy for you. That is wonderful news. Congratulations on your speaking gig. I’m sure it was awesome. I totally understand where you come from and you speak very wise words indeed. :-)
Thank you for posting this! I wish more people would be more public and vocal about depression and anxiety. I’ve got to do some public speaking on Tuesday and not looking forward to it at all.
Kyla – Thanks so much for your honestly. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I would rather walk butt naked in 110 degree weather with no food or drink then to do public speaking. Hopefully, one day I will be able to beat my fear of public speaking. You have given me sooo much hope that I can move forward with all my hopes and dreams.
Beautiful.
wow. i just found your blog today, via sarah (yesandyes)’s twitter – and what a beautiful post to be introduced to you! i have struggled with depression at various times in my life, and you’re so right- it lies and tells you that everyone else is experiencing life like you are, but just coping with it better. when i was first told that what i was experiencing was depression, it was so freeing – what i thought was my own inability to enjoy life became just a pair of depression-colored lenses i was seeing the world through, which sucked, but hey – with the right help, i could take them off. thanks for this honest and well-written post :)
Thank you! Although I’m have neither anxiety or depression, I just said yes to my first ever speaking gig and needed to hear all of the above.
Katie x
I needed to hear this. It’s hard telling yourself to be happy when you feel like you can’t. It’s hard to wake up sometimes. It’s easier when someone tells you they know, and that it CAN get better.
xo Ashley
thetiniestfirecracker.com
I’ve always felt so comforted knowing that we have such similar realities with anxiety because even on good days it’s easy to feel completely crazy that sometimes I literally can NOT leave my house without my head spinning. And I just had to send all the high fives I’ve got for your accomplishment! Celebrating with you for sure! I still can’t imagine being able to speak in front of big groups but I’m sure I’ll get there. ; ) That is, without the aid of a stiff drink at stage left.
Hi Kyla…I found your site thru a Pinterest pin that showed what I am guessing was your planner/journal page that showed someone being in Thunder Bay. Well, it’s weird seeing Thunder Bay (where I live) posted in anything so I was curious and I am so glad I found you.
Thank you for this post. While I have gone thru depression a few times before and have had some panic attacks, it was manageable. Unfortunately, since last August, I have been having panic attacks daily, sometimes more than once a day, with some depression as well. Because the attacks can happen without warning, I am now scared to leave the house so I can now add agoraphobia to my official diagnosis. I still force myself to go out every day because I refuse to let this rule my world. Now having said that, I have been off work since the end of September and at the moment, my doc has put me off work until the end of April.
I am waiting to see a psychiatrist or psychologist as per the recommendations of a psychiatrist that my employer paid to do an independent assessment. That’s how I got an official diagnosis of major recurrent depressive disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, with work being a related stressor. I worry that how I am now is going to be my new reality, even with meds and therapy.
This is becoming too long of a post! I wanted to thank you for this post and for showing me that, with work, you can live your life the way you want with creativity thrown in there too!
Jen
Love this post, and I always think it is so brave when people talk about mental health issues as there is still unfortunately such a taboo around them. I hope that changes. I have struggled with depression in the past and was on medication at one point, but am not on anything now. I have been dealing with more anxiety lately due to the level of uncertainty in my life and the fact that I am just not in a place that provides comfort and support… but I am hoping that the move back home (whenever that happens) will chase away the way I have been feeling but if not, I know that I will need to talk to a medical professional.
Hey Kyla,
I loved this post. I have anxiety and depression as well and it’s a good reminder to me that I’m not alone and that those thoughts do not have to be my experience of the world.
This is just what I needed to hear.
Thank you.
Stephanie
http://blog.stylingsandstories.com
First of all, it was lovely to see your face/”meet” you at Lisa’s birthday the other day :)
Also, this is the best post. I love that you have been able to get to a place where you never thought you would.
Kyla – thank you for posting this. As the spouse of someone with severe anxiety and depression you give me hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for being so open and honest.
I really loved reading this honest post. I have anxiety as well, but strangely have no problem with public speaking — basic social interaction with new people or large crowds are what break me down. So proud of you for both speaking and keeping your authenticity alive in this post.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your honesty and applaud your perseverance! Bravo!
This is awesome and I am SO FREAKIN’ proud of you!!! xoxoxo
I appreciate you talking about this. I’m the spouse of someone with severe depression, and it’s tearing my world apart. He’s switched meds once and upped his dose twice, but he’s barely hanging on. Mental health services provided by our insurance are weak, and outside providers are SO expensive ($150/visit). I’m so, so glad that you’re feeling better, and I hope you continue to do well.
Tia – I’d love to connect if we could. I’m also the spouse of someone with severe depression and I’d love to talk with someone who understands being the support system. If you’re at all interested: melissa[at]melissathorpe[dot]com
Thank you for publishing this, your honesty and authenticity really feed through. We all have our battles, no matter how big or small and I really can relate.
This is perfect. I suffered from depression for almost a year, thinking that being sad, exhausted, and apathetic about life was just part of being “me”. When my therapist told me I might actually have depression, and that I could do something about it – it was amazing. Starting the right medications was life changing. I felt things I hadn’t felt in so long – the warmth of the sun, the joy of connecting with friends and strangers, the thrill of taking small chances.
Thank you for talking about your depression and GAD. I would love to read more, as it’s so easy to relate to and reminds me that I’m not alone.
You’ve made me cry a few tears. Thanks.
This is wonderful. My GAD came out full force as I was TEACHING public speaking. But honestly, it made me a more compassionate speech instructor. I began incorporating self-care and mindfulness into my lesson plans. I actually told my students at the end of the semester what I had been going through… it was liberating.
Thank you so much for posting this, Kyla. When I was pulled under by my own deep depression I wasn’t sure what to do, until one night,I had some really scary thoughts and called a therapist first thing the next morning. I didn’t even recognize myself any more. With medicine, therapy, and a lot of work, I was able to better manage things and start feeling better. Its been almost two years and while depression and anxiety still creep in, I’m more prepared to handle them before they get out of control.
I’m glad that you had a wonderful experience speaking and wish I could have seen it! I’m thankful that you’re in a better place, friend. XOXO
Kyla, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for being so open in sharing your anxiety & depression journey with us. It is inspiring, motivating, and brave. :)
Kyla, I am so happy you wrote this! I meant to text you earlier this week and ask if you would write about the experience because after following the tweets that were posted during your talk, you clearly ROCKED IT! And I’m pretty sure everyone there fell in love with you. So congrats! I’m glad you’re in a happier, lighter place now and you found the help you deserved. I’m sure this post alone will help others :)