It’s sad that you had to experience that and that your learning of a different culture was great but marred in such a way. I’m always thinking how I’d like to go here there everywhere and that’s one of the reasons I don’t want children for sometime.

Perhaps it was routine and knowing she could no longer do what she wanted that planted the seed in your mother’s mind. That she’s caused you to have such knowledge is wonderful, I’m familiar with the culture myself and know how fascinating it is, but it’s a pity it had to be through that way.

Have you thought of going there yourself? Living it might help aid your understanding of your younger years.
Charlie´s last blog ..The Giraffe And The Pelly Crossing And Me

One of my favorite t-shirts I ever owned said “India called. You’re not here.”
I hesitate to say too much about that place.
andrea´s last blog ..Wanted Wednesday

There really does seem to be this notion that going to India will help you find yourself, like a prescription for a Westerner’s woes. It reminds me somewhat of the people that leave a solid job to ‘follow their dream’ to be a rockstar, even though they have kids to support. Yes, there is something to be said for finding yourself; yes, there is something to be said for following your dreams. But doing it to the detriment of your dependents certainly doesn’t make you a hero. But I guess it just shows, being an adult it hard sometimes. There are so many people trying to tell you how to do it but no-one knows for sure.
Amelia M´s last blog ..Architectural Dressing

What a wonderfully insightful post, Kyla. Beautifully written. I cannot imagine being deserted by one of my parents, let alone over and over again. I’d like to be able to tell you that you’re a better person for it – you were more worldly at a younger age than most people ever are. But, the fact still remains that you were denied key periods of time with your mom. And no child should have to endure that. Hugs to you.
SoMi’s Nilsa´s last blog ..Married

This was a beautifully written post. I really enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love…but you’re right. Gilbert had nothing holding her back.

That’s really sad that you didn’t get the full childhood experience with your mom.

I think that you definitely have a right to be a little wary of the culture and the country. I would be too!

You took my breath away with this post, Kyla. I can’t imagine how hard that was for your and your sister. I understand still being mad at her. I think it’s good you can get these feelings out (and in such a beautiful way) on your blog. Maybe it’ll help you find some peace.
Mermanda´s last blog ..Happy Halloween!

Oh KR, all I can do is send hugs. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt, dealing with your mom leaving at such a young age.

But you seem like such a strong person- perhaps dealing with your mom’s India expeditions helped shape you into who you are today? (Gosh that sounds corny…sorry)
Alana´s last blog ..A weekend in photos

I can’t even imagine what that would have been like. Until my mom got into politics she was home on the farm all of the time. Making us breakfast and being there when we got home from school.

However, it is experiences like this that have made you the very fabulous person you are today. I had no idea of other cultures short of anything we studied in History or Geography.

Like you said, your mom is more full of regrets now. It’s no excuse, but maybe (just maybe) she’s punishing herself enough for the two of you.
Elle Bee´s last blog ..

This was a beautiful and beautifully told story. So many of us have unresolved something’s with parents, and I find my self getting older wondering just how a parent could do such things. As I get closer in my life to having children I am becoming terrified of losing my autonomy and simultaneously terrified of repeating their mistakes.
The Maiden Metallurgist´s last blog ..Knock It Off

I’m sorry you had to deal with that That is a very engrossing thing to ponder…how someone could just leave the family and miss out on all of that. I know it’s different, but I feel guilty/selfish for moving to switzerland for years. i’m not leaving children or a husband, but i am leaving friends who are my family
Krystal´s last blog ..the nomolakdjfldkjf..

beautiful post.

Wow. Just…wow. I can’t imagine the sort of pain that would cause, and the questions I would have. I remember being inexplicably devastated my seeing some stupid quiz my mom took in a magazine, where she circled that she’d occasionally thought about running away. As a grown up, I think about running away all the time, so I can understand it, but as a kid, I could NOT grasp why she’d want to leave. I think it speaks to your incredible character that you’re able to maintain a relationship with her at all. You’re a gorgeous writer, Kyla. This is a great post.

Kyla – First off, thank you so very much for this post that was beautifully written. I love when bloggers unexpectedly open up about their pasts.

It brought up some interesting thoughts for me. While I think it’s sad that some mothers need to leave their children and sadder still the effect their absences have on the kids themselves, I also admire mothers who take the steps necessary to better themselves, so that they can be better mothers.

Of course I can’t judge at all because I have never been a mother, but my gut says that an unhappy mother can not be a good influence on a child, of any age really. In your case, it seems to be a little different because these trips were so frequent but in general I think, if a mother needs to take a break from life and fly halfway across the world to “find herself” or “center herself” *in the hopes of being a better mother*, I respect that. Because, in fact, it’s not selfish at all.

But at the same time, I think every parent must make sacrifices and be selfless at times for their children’s sake, so it’s hard to know when and how to do the right thing or even what the right thing really is. And it differs for everyone. I imagine it was incredibly hard for your mother to leave her babies but she felt it was something she HAD to do – maybe even for your sake, I don’t know.

I’m reminded of the story of Frank Lloyd Wright and Mamah Borthwick, who left her husband and children too (for a time) in order to be happy with the man she loved (F.L.W.). This was back at the turn of the century when that sort of thing just DIDN’T HAPPEN. Everyone criticized her. She was exiled from society. But she believed that by following her heart she was setting a good example for her kids and showing them the value of true love. She believed she was a better mother for it – but that’s not to say it didn’t rip her apart inside.

Anyways, I just wanted to say, I completely respect your feelings toward your mom’s absences and suspect you may not ever understand or respect your mom’s decisions back when she was 31. But my hope for you is my hope for everyone, and for myself, that eventually you find the perspective to let go of past angers and forgive. That is how we grow as people.

So much love to you.
Shelley (aka thespottedduck)´s last blog ..Wise words.

Everyone else has said it but that was beautifully written. I understand that must have been hard but — whether you realize it or not — it helped mold you into the strong-willed and independent person you are today. If you haven’t yet, I hope you eventually find the closure, answers you need.
Maddy´s last blog ..A Voracious Reader

Love the responses so far! I’ve been e-mailing all of you, but I just wanted to step in quickly to say I really am completely at peace with this.

I get angry in the momentary “HOW DOES SOMEONE DO THAT?!?!” way- but this happened when I was 6 years old. I’m not still raging about it, don’t worry =)

Hmm…very interesting and beautifully written. It’s strange how perhaps the purpose of a trip can completely change what it is for someone. Growing up, my Dad spent a lot of time in Afghanistan and Iraq. He still does. Every year for two months, he leaves to go to one country and then the next. He sets up orthopedic residency programs for Afghan and Iraqi students.

Growing up, it was hard for me to see him go. I would cry. I couldn’t sleep much when he was gone. When he came back, he’d always have a big present. Once it was a cat named Misty who ran away while he was on another trip. That present sort of backfired.

The greatest differences between your experience and mine are that: it was my father, not my mother; their purposes were different; and my father still leaves.

I don’t have the same feelings about it as you do. My dad’s trips have completely inspired my life and made me what I am today. Instead of dreading his trips to the Middle East, I beg to go with. But I wonder what it would have been like if it was my mother. Or if it was a ‘personal journey’. Or if it would have stopped at some point in my life.

I absolutely love your blog. I get excited every time I see you in my reader. Thank you for being so wonderful! You are talented!!!
Lauren´s last blog ..Well, helloooo theeere!

This vignette you’ve shared poignantly played in my mind like a movie. Thanks for sharing this slice of your life, I think we all took a moment and paused – for a good moment of thought.

Thanks so much for the well-wishes Cheers to seeing what unfolds…..not sure if we’ll somehow get roped into a more involved wedding-extravaganza. Ideas are being tossed around. I do have to say looking at your wedding posts is very inspirational for me – I love that you did something classy, elegent, and beautiful – but still smaller and intimate – with 20-something people as guests. The problem I face is having a HUGEEEEE family. Making the “cut” would be a dramatic soap opera in itself. Hence I keep coming back to the idea of simply eloping……and perhaps throwing a backyard BBQ/bonfire at a later time to celebrate with all the extended family and friends. Oh the brain power/stress to ponder it all.

This entire post is beautiful; I’ve had a few other friends who had mothers or fathers who went through things like this during more formative years (though I’d argue that being little and going through this is probably just as hard) and it was interesting to watch.

I’ve often wondered if I could have children or a traditional life style because what if I wanted to up and move to Italy or China but had a family? Then what?

This entire post is so beautifully written. While it’s not the same my dad traveled a LOT when I was little for work, sometimes for six weeks at a time and it was hard on us. He missed a lot of my recitals and concerts and lord knows it was tough for my mom too. So perhaps in a round about way I can relate on the separation level?

<3 you!
Nora´s last blog ..3. Always as a Bridesmaid…

Wow, that’s just crazy. I’m glad you are in a place now that you can handle what happened in the past and still have a relationship with your mother, and that she too has trouble trying to explain that time in her life. I personally can’t imagine how I would feel though if I had experienced that, you are probably the better of us as I imagine I would still be bitter about that missed time.
sara´s last blog ..Honeymoonin’ it—in Branson

As most anything else I could say has all ready been said and I hate monotony, I’ll just ask this. So if that is what India meant as a child (a mysterious break from normal life) what does it mean to an adult Kyla all these years later if anything?

Very beautifully written. Thanks so much for sharing that, girl.
Erin´s last blog ..thirty-freakin’-nine.

This post was so beautifully written and full of emotion. Thank you for sharing it.
Kim´s last blog ..Flameworthy Confessions

Thanks for sharing this, Kyla!

Well my mother certainly didn’t jet off to India, and I don’t at all want to compare my situation to yours, I felt like this post kind of hit home with me.

My mother was always around when I was a kid, but she wasn’t around like a mom should be. She was a career-oriented, workaholic who spent most of her spare time on her computer playing games online. She also did a lot of traveling when I was 10-12, which included leaving for a couple weeks at a time and then moving to Vancouver for 6 months.

Now that I’m grown up, I can kind of see why she did these things and I don’t hold it against her. I know her and my father had a terrible relationship and she was lonely and depressed while I was growing up. She never took me to my sports games or came to see me in the school play; my dad did all of that. He was the one dad amongst all the mothers at hockey practices.

We’re extremely close now and while there are so many ways that I DO want to be like her, there are also so many ways that I don’t want to be like her and I certainly want to be involved in my childresn lives more when they are young. She was very involved until about age 7 or 8 and then didn’t become involved again until age 16 or so, and I don’t want to be that kind of mother.

Anyways, this is an extremely long comment, just wanted to tell you that I loved this post. While neither of those books hit home for me, your post really did.

XO

Kendall – For me now, India is the reason why I’m fiercely loyal to the people in my life and it’s a reminder that I should search myself first when things are wrong instead of running away.

And it’s also temple basements with AMAZING FOOD, incredible sweets, warm and beautiful people, butter candles, and comfort food. =)

This is an absolutely beautiful post Kyla. As someone who’s been “abandoned,” I completely understand the process of making peace with this and not being emotionally damaged. Times like those make us into who we are and like yourself, its a big reason why those I love have my unyeilding loyalty and why I look inward to find myself instead of running off into the distance. Many hugs, <3 you!
mandy´s last blog ..Starbucks Doubleshot Energy+Coffee Winners

What an incredibly touching and unique story, Kyla. As much as it pains me to admit (and I certianly don’t mean this as a dig), I can so relate to your mom’s desire to run to a place of adventure and otherworldly beauty, even if it means abandoning one’s obligations (and wonderful family) back home. Nevertheless, I can’t imagine what that was like for you and how that has shaped you as a woman. Thank you for sharing this story.
Natalie Cottrell´s last blog ..Mama Says Knock You Out

Kyla, I know what you mean about Eat, Pray, Love. I couldn’t put it down, but it made me feel kind of sick. The notion that we must spent so much time and money to do something like “find yourself” seems privileged and selfish. There’s nothing wrong with traveling, but the intention behind her story seemed a little off. And something about the way she talked about men in her book got to me too.. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it has to do with the way she swung her ego around so much.

As humans, there is always desire. Desire for something more, desire for the unknown, desire for extreme contentment and total happiness. As North Americans, we are extremely lucky that our culture is able to provide this with such an array of people, commodities, experiences, and possibilities. However, I believe that there is something that is lost with all of these options. We are constantly looking for the best one, the thing that will finally complete us and make us know ourselves. This process can make us really self centered. We think of ourselves instead of the community, personal improvement rather than the greater good. I’m just as guilty as the next person regarding this, but I hope someday to find, build, create a community that will help me be more selfless, and focus on what we can do together, instead of what I can do for myself alone.
ari´s last blog ..My Own Little World

wow, i really loved reading this! i truly appreciated the honesty in this post, the peak into your mind and how it works. i totally get where you are coming from: i didn’t feel like it was a “hey, pity me, my childhood sucked!” kind of a thing…i get the impression that it was more of a reflection.

anyway. i think the reason i enjoyed it most is because i am continually (well not literally continually, but often) thinking of the past, of my childhood, of my parents, and why they’ve done what they have and why they didn’t do other things, and the paths i took, and how the things i do now are a direct result of those experiences. things that i never used to think about as a child, i think about a lot now. it’s as though the passage of time gives us new perspective, and that perspective does one of two things: it either yields an “aha!” moment, where something we’ve never really understood suddenly becomes exceedingly clear, or it produces an infinite amount of questions on something that has always seemed so simple to us because we never thought to question it.

anyway, i am rambling now, but i just wanted to say that i very much enjoyed this little peak into your thoughts and mind.

I posted a ery similar comment on Doniree’s post (thanks for the link!), but:
I used to think I was a Big Picture Person…someone who would travel the world and start a revolution.
But now, as I’ve gotten older, and married, and been away from my family, and my worldview has changed. I just want to make sure my community is thriving. I want to make sure taht my futuer-kids will have a well-rounded mom, so that maybe someday THEY can be Big Picture People. Mostly, I want my littler corner of this life comfortable, and happy
Ashley´s last blog ..Halloween WIN!

Kyla,

This is such a beautiful post. I love to travel, I do, but I don’t think I could ever be the person who goes away for months to find myself. I have always just wanted to find myself NOW. I don’t want to have to go somewhere to figure it out, because what happens when I get back home? Am I less than the person I “found” while abroad.

I actually didn’t finish “Eat, Pray, Love”… I thought she was narcissistic. SOmething about her and her writing just rubbed me the wrong way.
Habbala´s last blog ..Day 4, The Person I will Be.

Just wanted to say how beautiful your writing is. The last two paragraphs really captured it.
Kathleen´s last blog ..Can’t Live Without

Wow, Kyla. Thanks for commenting on my blog so I could find you. Your writing, your blog, and your voice are all so beautiful and I haven’t added a new blog to my reader in years but I’m making an exception here.

Beautifully written, lady. My dad did the same thing to us (though his India was Germany and he was gone for a year.) It’s funny (funny really isn’t the right word) that because he’s a man, leaving his young children didn’t seem out of place. I was furious but I was expected to just accept it. Like not seeing one of your parents because they choose to be in another country is normal. Thanks for writing this. It’s made me realize how not over my own shit I am.
hillary´s last blog ..‘Cause You’re Doing In My Nut And Do You Think I Care?

Ah girl, I really love you. You have a beautiful mind. I have a very strange and unique relationship with my mother due to strange things that happened when I was young, but I am too afraid to talk about them on my blog because I know she reads my blog. I love her as well, but I still am at a loss to understand the disloyalty of her actions when I was young. And she can’t explain it either. She has a personality disorder.
And I love what you wrote on my blog about your thoughts on God. I’m thankful to know you.
Moorea Seal´s last blog ..Question

I’m not even sure what to say following that. You’ve beautifully captured what that time in your life meant and it’s not something I can relate to, but I guess all of our lives have something that tarnishes it a bit, if that makes sense. For you, it might be the India years. For me, it’s my dad and his inability to be a dad ’til I was too old to care. ::Shrugs::
MinD´s last blog ..Oink. Oink.

What an honest and beautifully written post. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to have to say good bye to your mom for those periods of time at a young age. It is really hard to understand the reasoning behind her decision. I have a hard time thinking of moving away from my nephews – and that is not even my own flesh & blood.

I had the same annoyance when I read this other book called ‘Travels of a Female Nomad’ or something like that. The book actually pissed me off. She went off to find herself and then bitched about how hard it was to eat alone when she first went to Mexico. Boo fricking hoo. I am not going to feel sorry for you – you chose to leave your family behind to ‘find yourself’ so maybe you should eat a few meals alone and live w/ those thoughts that are marching through your head.

Woo. Didn’t mean to get that passionate about it but i totally know what you mean about not understanding how someone can just walk away from their family.
Lisa from Lisa’s Yarns´s last blog ..Book Review: I See You Everywhere

Wow, this totally hit a nerve with me!

In the past I wouldn have these mini-freakouts every six months or so where I would get stir-crazy and want to ditch my job, my boyfriend, my house
and my pets to run off to some far-flung destination. To find my own
India, I guess. It took me years to see how wonderful my life is and how I
have everything I want and need already. Travel and ditching
responsibilities can be seductive, but I think the reality would be
pretty different.
I’m sorry your mother felt like she had to do this, but I can totally see
the positive here – you’re not going to do this to your children, because
you know what its like. I really think our parents generation were so
much less aware of things back then and really were “playing grown-ups”
for a lot of the time. I know mine sometimes were!
And the book made me uncomfortable as well. Instead of spending all that
money trying to find herself, she could have actually done soemthing
good for someone else. Geez!

Wow, another beautifully written post. It’s interesting when you read about places that are so personal to you and all you can do is roll your eyes because it doesn’t seem so authentic. I felt that same way about An american wife, which was set in my hometown area.
Jessica´s last blog ..My freakishly observant complimenting nature

oh lady! this must have taken a lot of courage to post this and i loved reading every minute of this. it must have been delightful to have her come home and share her journey with you but then hear wrenching to have her leave. i don’t know how you dealt with it at such a young age. you are so brave and i look up to you more now than ever. thanks again for sharing lovely lady.

I really enjoyed reading this post. It was beautifully written and seemed to really capture your feelings about such a significant part of your relationship with your mother.

Thank you for sharing.
Just Fine Just Dandy´s last blog ..As of Lately… (Extended Version)

This might sound a little strange, but perhaps you were also blessed with a mother who you missed when she was away and whose return your eagerly awaited and celebrated.

Also, to be totally honest, I can understand wanting to be far away from your family (though I don’t have kids), the need to travel and the pull of a distant and alien land. I do think that there’s a bit of a split between people who have the nomadic urge, and those who don’t and tend to pigeonhole travelling abroad as running away. Let’s face it, most people’s worst problems are in their heads, and so inescapable!

Also, I’m always somewhat puzzled by the attitude that you can’t travel or live abroad once you have kids, espcially as in my experience it seems to be very positive for kids and parents.
Jane´s last blog ..Doorways: Dog Days

Your writing is beautiful Kyla. I haven’t read through all of the comments (yet) but as a Mother myself I just can’t imagine. Maybe this is because I waited until I was in my 30s to start having children, maybe it is because I don’t think you need to travel to “find yourself” (and I don’t mean you specifically – although these days it feels like you are shunned if you aren’t a world traveller and like staying home). I am realizing the importance between finding a balance between my mommy-self and my melanie-self but I know in my heart that I could not leave my daughter for 4 to 6 weeks at a time. These days she changes all the time and childhood is so fleeting that I don’t want to miss much of it. Besides, I feel like I am finding myself every day as I begin to see the world through her eyes.

This isn’t to say anything bad about your Mum – it is just where I am coming from. I am very content with motherhood right now and all the things I want to do I want to do with her.
melanie´s last blog ..Today

Thanks for the comment on my blog. I love your blog now that I have found it, you certainly have some interesting things to share and this was definitely one of them.

That was a very bittersweet post. In some way, I can relate, but it’s an entirely different situation for me. My mom left my family often too for period of times when I was growing up, but instead of India it was Vodka. Terrible, I know, but she has been clean for almost eleven years now. I hope you cherish with your mom more than ever nowadays, with new perspectives and whatnot. I know I do.

I look forward to more posts by you. :]

I agree with Melanie above that your writing is beautiful!!

I just saw your comment about being at peace with it. You amaze me because how many people would be at peace with this if it happened to them?

I have some friends who had kids early & are going through this. It peeves me that they’re not doing the best for their kids and only thinking of themselves.
steph anne´s last blog ..The Faux Fireplace

That’s really interesting… it must have been really hard as a child, but it makes a thought-provoking story now.
What do you feel about India after experiencing that as a child? Have you been there? Would you every want to go?
Erin´s last blog ..Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it

Wow. That’s such an interesting tale. Speaking as a mother, I don’t know how she could’ve left you for that long, but at the same time, I know how it feels to not want to be defined by that one thing. Being a mom sometimes feels like it takes over all our other womanly needs and wants and some women get depressed by that and lash out by going out with men, dressing ‘younger’, or perhaps travelling. I’m unsure.

You must have felt awful at times. Speaking as a mother, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to continually leave my baby behind as I go off to seek greener pastures. I haven’t read either of those books, althought Eat Pray Love has been on my to-read list for a while. Maybe I’ll pick it up this weekend.
Margarita´s last blog ..A Week in Bullets

Erin – Lets put it this way- if I got a book deal, I would totally go to India! lol But realistically, being a 24 year old homeowner with dogs & having a partner to consider, my World Wide travel is really limited.

Thanks again for reading! I’m glad you like the story! =)

I have so much to say, but can’t find the words! I just want you to know that is a truly beautiful and touching post. You are so wise and thoughtful, Kyla. And the way you expressed everything in this post is just beautiful, although the story is still a little tragic.

You are wonderful.
wishcake´s last blog ..on a little shop update…

This is completely fascinating to me! I’m sorry if that’s insensitive. Seriously, though, I’m completely fascinated by your mother’s behavior. I understand the draw of a foreign land, but what was she looking for? I’m just so fascinated.
Erin´s last blog ..The End Draws Near

This was such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your story, Kyla. You have such a big heart and an incredible way with words.
sarah marie p´s last blog ..There once was a little puppy with big pointy ears, a short snout and a tiny tail …

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. It was beautifully written and very touching. Interesting and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing your story! I don’t have children (yet) but I couldn’t even imagine leaving my pup for that long. =(
Ashley´s last blog ..Newest Creation

Oh, that made me so sad to read that your mum went off to do those things. I know it’s nothing to your experience, but I got annoyed reading about Elizabeth Gilbert traipsing around too. And her on Oprah talking about it… she seemed to be so far from what she had experienced especially then.
I went to the middle east and found my husband there and now we have a daughter together and will always have beautiful times together in Jordan and Palestine and in our home of Australia together. My thoughts are with you because all I can keep thinking is Why didn’t your mum take you to India with her??? It’s not the same to recreate it back at home, imagine how wonderful it would have been for you and your sister to have had memories of India for yourselves?
I’m so sorry, I think it was selfish too. My baby girl is 2 now and I couldn’t imagine leaving her. I don’t even want her to go to daycare!!
And, btw, this is my first time looking at your blog, and I loved reading about your wedding and seeing your ‘Mister’. It’s a lovely place you have created here. I’ll come back often.
Sincerely, Sarah

[...] having their mom beg them to get tattooed, but mine did. My mom is crazy and wonderful, definitely not your normal mom. She got it into her mind that what would knock all of this rebellion out of my nineteen year old [...]