If I could start an online slow clap / standing O right now, I would. Seriously. This is bang on.

Such a great post. And so very true. Well said Kyla.

very well said, cause you are right – we ARE the community, anyone who blogs is a part of it. it’s what role one chooses to play in that community is up to them.

i’m lucky to have a great cleveland blogging community around me and i’m glad you are finding some local bloggers around you too!

Very nice Kyla. I really love the quote at the end. I kind of want it on my fridge.

What a great post, and totally on point.

Every aspect of life is cliquey. You have work cliques, neighborhood cliques, school cliques, so really, why would a blogging community be any different? And hopefully, small efforts could possibly change that. After all, if my high school graduating class could go from several cliques to one cohesive class in four years – and we were all rather immature at the time – there’s absolutely nothing to say that reaching out, just as you are, couldn’t do the same for 20sb.

As someone who sadly feels on the outside in that community at times, I wouldn’t mind seeing the cliques break down whatsoever. To be honest, my waning desire to travel to the 20sb site has resulted from those cliques most often, and it’s a community I’d hate to leave behind just because I feel more on the outside than in.

Thanks for writing this darlin’!

Nice post. The community aspect of blogging is sometimes the hardest thing for me, but I’m trying. I started my blog mostly just because I like to write–I didn’t care if anyone read it. But it is nice to interact with other bloggers…it just seems to take so much time. The concept of community isn’t inherently complicated, but it becomes much more so (at least for me) when you factor in 50 hours + commute time at your full-time job, 6 hours + study time of classes, IRL friends/family time, and the fact that I also want to be involved in my local (not blog) community, volunteer work, etc. etc. The blogging community for me is almost always on the back burner. Which is unfortunate because I’ve seen through other blogs how it can be an amazing thing. If you have any suggestions for how to incorporate more “community” into blogging for someone who barely has time to blog at all (but who also loves doing it), that would be immensely helpful.

You are an inspiration my darling. I think one phenomenal email a day is totally do-able and just might make a world of difference.
xo

I almost always read your posts and find myself sitting here nodding my head in agreement. I have been horrible these last few weeks about emailing my favorite bloggers. I need to be better about this and I love the idea of sending one a day to a different blogger outside of my normal email group, spreading the love. I suppose we need to change our thinking — not that we are being left out, but asking what are we doing to be included.

So well put. I second the slow clap. Creating a community is difficult, but props to you for making the attempt. I’m sometimes nervous that if I don’t make it absolutely every happy hour or get-together of my local bloggers, I’ll be last weeks news. But then I do show up to one and people are still happy to see me. That’s the takeaway I think You choose how involved you want to be, people will always be happy you’re there .

I LOVED this. I think I feel most included when people remember me. I feel like I’m an under the radar blogger sometimes, like someone I read and comment on often will pass on an award, and will always pass it on to the same people, but not me. (Childish on my part, I know.) I also felt super involved when I went to Chicago and Jenn organized this meet up with all the Chicago bloggers and me. Because I was visiting. It was AMAZING and I hope to revisit it again when I go back in Sept. And hopefully with this NYC meet up happening soon, I’ll get to be involved with so many more people.

*clap clap clap*
Nice post, Kyla.
I tend to be a blog reader more than a blog commenter and that needs to stop.
I’m starting with you

Thanks so much guys, it’s great to hear your thoughts!

That’s my theory at least!

Excellent post! You hit it right on
the head so to speak. And gained
a new reader!!

Thank you for this post. Very well said. I feel the same sometimes, especially when people, whose blogs I read and comment on, never respond in one way or another. That makes you disconnected.

Not everyone in the blogging community can read everybody else’s blog all the time, but it’s nice to get some kind of communication going.
I like your “one email a day”-project!

You know what? You deserve a degree in Social Media/Blog World.

Because you are totally right. I feel most included in the blogging community when I’m active in it, whether it be through twitter, facebook friending new people, sending out cards, emails, texts, whatever it is. Sometimes I feel left out because I haven’t hit up my google reader in a week, or because I took a break from twitter but it’s okay.

The best part about the community, a loving, beautiful community of people from all over, that I never would have met if I hadn’t started baring my soul online is that THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.

I admit some weeks I slack a bit, but I promise I’ll always come back to you. The blogging community has fundamentally changed my life. I welcome (and love) new friends, new readers, new blogs for ME to read, new people for me to send letters and cards to via snail mail.

Just like work, school, or any other relationship, you only get out of it what you put into it.

Beautiful post, Kyla.

I’m with Ben on the slow clap, Kyla. Beautifully stated! We ARE this community, and it’s up to us to reach out and foster connections and then to keep them alive. I’m so glad our relationship is such that when you’re finding yourself HERE, you reach out to me so we can catch up and hugandkiss. I love the leap that so many people have made to bring each other into their lives, and I am SO excited for so many more connections.

I love you

I feel left out from the community a lot of the time, mostly because no matter how hard I try I just can’t comment on other people’s blogs as much as I would like. I need to remember how nice it feels to get a comment from someone. You’re right, a little act of kindness everyday can go a long way.

I feel like I’m in a church wearing a big ol’ floppy hat and fanning myself with the service program and you, the preacher, just said something that made my soul stir and now I want to jump up on the pew and scream with my arms raised high: “AMEN, SISTER, A-MEN!!!!”

This is a beautiful post Kyla.

I’ve been trying to do that lately too. Commenting on those people’s blogs who leave comments on mine, reaching out and finding new bloggers that I enjoy and letting them know. I know that when I get an email or a comment from you it makes my day, and my goal is to have other people feel the way about me that I feel about you. Seriously. You are incredible. xo

What a beautiful post, Kyla! I love you!

The thing about blogging and being a blogger is that it’s simultaneously a solitary and community action. We sit alone at computers and bare our souls to the world. Then, the wonderful blogging world lifts us up and supports us becoming who we are. It’s really amazing if you think about it.

I feel most part of the community when I’m active in it. I feel left out when I’m too busy to participate. Inevitably, though, just when I’m starting to feel left out I get a text/phone call/e-mail/tweet from some wonderful blogger that I’ve built a relationship with, and I’m instantly reminded just why I love being a part of this community.

I really try to pass that feeling on. I make a concerted effort to respond to all the comments posted on my blog. I e-mail other bloggers to check in, say hi, offer support. I love sending out cards and little what nots to people. Sharing the community with others really brings the sense of community back to me.

I’m rambling now…I love you!

I completely agree with what you’re saying here. I think to feel included is to include others.

As far as the blogging community goes, I feel in some ways very separate and in some ways very much a part of it. I’m still relatively new to blogging, having just started a few months ago, but people (especially 20sb people) have been so supportive of me. I always try to give that back, and hopefully I’ve made someone else out there feel as welcome in the blogging community, as I’ve been made to feel by other bloggers.

I agree with everyone, you are right on. Sometimes I feel involved in the blogging world/community and other times I feel so far away (ie. blogger meet ups that I can’t go to). But I thinking putting in a little effort here or there will really help with getting involved and making someone’s day. I love reading new blogs and am always on the look out, and I love helping out new bloggers. It just makes me all warm and squishy inside!

This was excellent, Kyla. Thanks for bringing me back down to earth. I really needed to hear this. :]

I think this whole “feeling included” is a mixed bag. Well, mostly it’s what we make of it. I get the feeling of isolation. But, as someone who lives in the heart of a very connected blogging community (Chicago), I can tell you that it’s quickly overwhelming to be on my side. At least for where I am in life.

I have a very solid group of friends. I’m married with home responsibilities. But, once the local meet-ups started here, they took off. Everyone became BFFs and I just didn’t have the time for it. I still don’t. And so, I feel left out in a different way. I feel left out because my real life limits the type of friendship I can have with these other bloggers. Or, better said, I choose to let my real life be the entree and let blogging get-togethers be the side dish, if there’s enough room on my plate.

I’m learning the art of balance and trying not to over-commit myself. I’m also learning not to be disappointed that I am involved with the blogging community in a different way than a lot of the other bloggers I know. I’m glad to see you’re figuring out a way to make this blogging community work for you.

I agree with apricot tea. You’ve just given us all a great reminder on perspective, both when we feel the most ‘in’ and when we feel left out.

If you bring it back down to something whole, something real, it’s about the gaps we bridge when we connect to individuals. Those bridges have the potential, and respectfully so, for enormous satisfaction.

thanks for this.

I felt really left out of the 20sb community for a while and then had the realization that I was getting out of the community what I was putting in. I put in limited effort (not out of disinterest but out of time restraints) to be included in the 20sb community so I was pretty isolated from it. Once I realized that it wasn’t anything personal – I wasn’t being shunned or ostracized – I was able to make my peace with it. I would love to be more included but it’s a question of time. Other areas of my life – work, family, puppies – would have to suffer for me to be able to have more of an online presence. I am unwilling to make those sacrifices, at least right now.

I think that it’s possible to find cliques wherever you look but it all comes down to perception. If thrown into a situation with a large group of people, I’m going to gravitate towards the people I know. Is that a clique? Or is it human nature? I don’t know. I spent the majority of my highschool years feeling like I was on the outside of all the cool-kid cliques – I refuse to feel like that as an adult.

I like your idea of reaching out on a small scale, daily. It seems so much more attainable than trying to respond to every single comment I receive or commenting on every single blog in my reader. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I do nothing, which is silly and a bit stupid.

Thanks for this post, lady! I really enjoyed it. It’s given me something to think about.

i’ve been reading all the “cliquey” comments from everywhere too and couldn’t find a tactful way to directly address it without just saying “NUH-UH!” i love this post. really. because it’s so true– you get out what you put in, and if you’re feeling left out it’s probably because of two things: your perception and NOT reality, and the fact that you’re not putting yourself in a position to be accepted.

i tried to say this without saying it the other day, after reading a particularly snarky “the vegas girls are so cliquey” comment on a blog i’d just stumbled across. you know i wasn’t in vegas, but so many of you that were are some of my very favorite people in this community and i’ve never felt like you all of a sudden felt the need to leave the rest of us out– and to prove my point, a few of the vegas ladies–one i know reads but rarely says much– left lovely comments, and since i hadn’t directly mentioned the inspiration for that post, i knew it wasn’t because they were trying to prove any point. they were just accepting me and my thoughts, even though (gasp!) i wasn’t a part of their “little group.”

as someone who has done the meeting bloggers in real life thing, one on one, in small groups, and in large ones, i know that the sense of community is heightened each time it happens, that we all tend to fall in love with each other, and of course that’s going to be expressed through our writing and i can definitely see how it makes others feel left out because i still feel that way when i see a meet-up going down that i can’t be a part of. but rather than sitting around complaining about not being a part of it, we need to start building our own communities.

i’m hanging out with some awesome nashville bloggers tonight, in fact.

anyway, i just left another blog post in your comment section. apologies. this topic has been close to my heart lately… you addressed it very, very well.

As always with your blog, Kyla, this post left me thinking!

I adore the blogging community – but yes, I do sometimes feel a little left out!

Everything you said here is so, so true though. It’s about sending emails telling someone you enjoy their blog, it’s about leaving nice comments on blogs of people who have commented on your blog, it’s about visiting the 20sb site and participating it. It’s NOT about spending all day in front of the computer, it’s about fitting in moments when you can!

We ARE the community – and we get out of it what we put in. Thanks for that reminder, dear

Well said and thank you for this!

I have to say that you, Kyla, resonate very well with me. It’s the reason I feel so many of our favorite bloggers eventually throw in the towel. Blogging is foremost about expressing ourselves, in whatever way we choose, and in that process we end up making connections. It’s not about page views, or making money, or becoming the most popular. It’s not about being controversial, or informative, or even interesting. It’s about being real. And in being real, and honest with ourselves, we are able to interact, and in that interaction, become a community.

And as someone who, like you, has recently discovered just how much more real this all becomes with communication beyond twitter and blog comments, I am even more a believer that it doesn’t matter that we form “cliques” or what have you (because that happens in every aspect of life whether we like it or not), it just matters that friendships are formed and our lives are made more fantastic as a result of it.

I attempt to be involved by emailing a reply to every one that comments on my blog (if I have a good enough reply). I also try by replying to different people on twitter. It’s definitely impossible to do everything. (I wish I could blog all day long sometimes.) Every little bit counts, though.

To me, the greatest thing about blogging is…not only do you get to practice the art of stringing your words together, but you also find yourself making connections with total strangers which may not have otherwise been possible.

Of course, like you said, even after you join a large blogging network/community like 20SB, it’s not uncommon to still feel like an outsider. I can TOTALLY relate to this! Despite the fact that I regularly post on the 20SB forums, comment back and forth to everyone that sends me a friend request or an e-mail, but that seems to be where it ends. I don’t know if part of that is because I didn’t attend the Chicago Meetup or really hung out with anyone I met thru 20SB IRL (in real life), but I really don’t feel like I belong. In fact, I often feel unwelcomed. Perhaps that’s silly and childishly insecure to say, but I never thought anyone else on 20SB really felt like this other than me.

So thank you for this post.

Lovely post! I’d say I feel most included when I put the effort in–when I comment or send an email or @reply someone on twitter. For me, blogging sometimes comes with a level of guilt that I don’t read posts thoroughly enough, that I don’t always comment, that I don’t always respond. I’m amazed by the people who regularly leave me such thoughtful comments and I feel bad that I don’t always reciprocate. I open twitter sometimes and I’m just overwhelmed.

But, I do what I can and follow up with people when I can. I could do a lot better to stay in touch with people, though, and put myself out there more. Your post motivated me to do that!

I often feel a little out of the community purely because it feels like I’m getting nowhere with my blog. While I don’t care about follower numbers or any of those specifics, continually making an effort to read more blogs, leave comments on ones I really love, email occasionally, and sometimes see what’s happening on that person’s twitter, my blog just still isn’t being read. It’s a bit disheartening because I love the blogging community so much and have seen what amazing things can come out of it. However at the end of the day I enjoy blogging and do it for myself so I don’t let not being read stop me! Haha.

It definitely is a bit overwhelming going onto 20sb or 20sb’s twitter and just feeling like you’re never going to break any ground, and especially being from Australia. But I realise I’ve only very recently signed up to 20sb and don’t expect things to happen at once. At the moment I’m really enjoying checking out members’ blogs and finding some great new reading material.

So I suppose you don’t always get out as much as you put in, but as long as you enjoy putting in there’s always ground to be made and fun to be had. If I will only ever be on the outskirts of the blogging community as a whole – I guess I’d prefer that then not blogging at all.

A. I friggin LOVE that movie
B. I’ve been neglecting my blog lately because of everything going on in my life and I miss the sense of community I had when I was on it all of the time.

Oh! I love that movie. And that line. And this post.

Is it completely weird and creepy if I just come out and say I want to be your best friend? Your posts leave me smiling every day and I always look forward to clicking through my reader to find your blog. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and beautifully written posts. You’re amazing.

And yeah, I agree with everyone else, I feel most connected to the blogging community when I’m actively involved (something I need to do more of). It’s like they say, they more you put in, the more you get out.

I’m always in awe at how you have such an ease and grace at beautifully expressing how you feel when it comes to complex issues such as fitting in, finding a community, etc.

You are simply divine, my dear.

It is a shame that as much love&goodwill that is spread throught the 20sb community, apparently, there is just as much drama (thankfully, none of which I am fully aware of).

I think it’s easier to feel left out of things when you live in a city that doesn’t have as many bloggers/blogger meetups like NYC, Chicago & LA. However, there are so many ways to change that and, I think, the effort has to be sincere and be put out there.

Maybe there could be a better state-by-state breakdown of how bloggers are spread out on 20sb. I do feel badly for new bloggers who’ve joined 20sb lately because the bloggers that were a part of it when it first began, obviously, have a bond with each other but I don’t think anyone is non-inclusive.

Again, it all comes down to the effort.

Isn’t The Royal Tenenbaums the best movie?! I remember that at the time I was resisting buying a DVD player but when I saw it I thought — OK, I must buy a DVD player just so I can have this movie and see all the extras and such! And then I bought the soundtrack. Oh, so good!

kyla i couldn’t have said this all better myself. seriously you are such a beautiful and elegant writer i love it.

I like this idea! It was your comment on Brandy’s post that made me realize that I am the one who chooses whether or not to feel left out! And that it is way more my fault for not making connections because I rarely comment or email bloggers. I can’t blame the low comment numbers on my blog when I don’t reciprocate!

Which is why I’ve also promised myself to start emailing and commenting more.

I think the 42 comments before me say it all, but I wanted to chime in to show my support as well. Beautifully written, as always.

<3 lovely.

That movie is so beautiful.

PS Your post inspired one of my own!

Must you always be so eloquent?

I find myself in and out of like with the community as a whole–I’ve found the people that I’ll always read and be disappointed if they took off from the blogging scene, but sometimes it is so hard to keep adding more people to the reader. I am really enjoying making more genuine connections with fewer people rather than trying to make a ton of more superficial ones, like I used to.

Granted, I am still subscribed to (and actually read most of the time) 100+ blogs, but ya know!

That was so beautifully written Kyla! I don’t think anyone could have said it better and of course I agree with everyone else and their comments.

[...] thinking a lot about friendship, and community, and all that jazz lately.  Yesterday, there was a phenomenal post about this exact topic.I’ve written about my own shifting feelings on this whole issue, but I [...]

This is so well written. I’ve struggled here and there with the blogging community sometimes. At times, it feels like a popularity game. A lot of the “big” bloggers always write about each other, post photos with each other… at times it felt like there was this ring of them that were bragging they all knew each other?
But how ridiculous does that sound. I realized I shouldn’t let it bother me, and I should just go about my own blogging ways. Making friends here and there while I can.
I struggle with having time to be online all the time to cultivate my blogging friendships. Especially since I’m now unemployed, and busier than when I was employed! But busy outside and with friends – this leaves little computer time. And I feel so dang guilty when I have regular blog readers, who comment all the time, and I haven’t checked out their blog.
Sigh. I guess a community can only be what you make of it – you can be involved at any level you want. A little, medium, or a lot. And how much you get out of it, is usually how much you give.
Thanks Kyla!

I really like your idea of e-mailing people. I’m kind of ambivalent about the whole 20SB thing. I like when people find my blog, I like finding theirs, but that’s it. I’ve finally just realized that I’m okay not being a big part of the community. I was worrying so much about that, that I was ignoring my real life I guess.

Circus was my big community to fit into and then help other fit in. WHen i first started, I was scared and shy. One girl opened up and helped me with my act and meeting people. As I grew as a big part of the group, I started helping newbies out. Since the one girl helped me, I wanted to be that person to others.

great post lady. in case that was reiterated enough…
just wanted you to know this got the shit shared and tweeted out of it yesterday. as it should have. lovely. have a great weekend!

Hey love!

What an amazing post. I just told Doni after this past week I was tempted to write my own post talking about feeling left out/including myself and the whole business but you have said everything I would have said FAR BETTER than I would have said. I think I will just send people over here to read this post instead of writing my own! You are a genius and your words here are spot on. Well done!

The BlogHer post that I haven’t posted yet touches on some of the points you made so beautifully in this post. It’s been hard for me to write out what I really mean, and your words here are so clear that they’re helping to clear my head. It’s a big, confusing world we live in as bloggers, and I want to say thanks for making me take a minute to step back and look at the big picture – and to step in and look a little more closely.

You mean I’m not the only one? Shoot, if I had known that I wouldn’t have left 20SB! Oh well, I needed a fresh start.

You know, at times I have really felt left of the blogging community. It would seem I live in a state where there aren’t a lot of local bloggers in my area, and sometimes I get a little jealous hearing about these awesome meetups in NYC, DC, and Chicago (just to name a few) that seem to happening all the time.

I’d love to be able to attend a happy hour with my favorite bloggers once a week. How awesome would that be?

Something I’m learning to do is actively reach out to others in the community as well. If I really appreciate someone’s blog, or a certain post really touches me, I send a email. It does make a difference.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your thoughts and reactions, I’m currently in Minneapolis and without a computer but I’ll be home Monday and will be e-mailing everyone personally. Thank you again!

I think something that we forget is that community needs, by it’s very definition, boundaries. There needs to be something that holds it together, forces it in upon itself, and keeps it from coming apart. It stands to reason that whatever holds something together isn’t really a part of the INSIDE. There has to be an exterior blogging community, a life outside 20SB that presses in and creates, in it’s absence, the 20SB community. That means that sadly, some of us are what hold teh 20SB community together, by not being a part of it at all. xo

we all get that watching life on the other side of the window feeling sometime or another but sometimes we need that we need to step outside of ourselves and visualise things from another perspective to relax and get ourselves together or too find where we are and refresh ourselves
I enjoy your blog a lot and the 20sb community
and I feel a part of the 20sb, blogger and art world thanks to the interweb
hope you’re enjoying your summer
i’m just catching up on your blog again
and on things after returning from vacation <3
xoxo

This is the first time I’ve stopped by your blog and this post is lovely! I often feel a bit lonely in the blogging community…but hey, building communities takes time just like relationships.

What a beautiful post! I love it! I love how you related it to the movie. I can totally relate to that. I was feeling very left out of everything and I had a realization that my blog and the people that read it was really where I belonged, in a sense. I love being a part of the online blogging community. It makes me happy.

I just found your blog today, by the way.

And this is why you were the featured blogger

Honestly Kyla, if I were any more close to Canada, I’d hug your adorable self, because you’re too amazing. HONESTLY.

And well, I’m also trying to email other bloggers, comment in all the posts possible, trying to see if there are some bloggers in Strasbourg, etc.

The blogging community won’t come to you by osmosis. YOU have to look for it, and find the people you’re comfortable with.

i know what it feels. the sense of belonging is something many of us in search for. i hope there will be an active 20sb group for Filipino bloggers like me. ‘coz it seems i’m the only one active.

btw, congrats for being the featured blogger in 20sb! you deserve it. you’ve got a great blog here!

I love what Rachel added:

You choose how involved you want to be, people will always be happy you’re there.

afuckingmen.

you are so articulate. this resonates well with me.

[...] a barbecue, come out for dinner, or get coffee and reconnect. There were comments on my blog from so many of you about my thoughts on community, and there was our little house welcoming us home. And while it [...]

Kyla, this was great! I totally completely 100% agree. Feeling involved means just that, you have to make the effort to be involved! There are times I feel “left out” per se, but I always know it is only when I haven’t been pulling my weight, which is just like it is in any relationship! I could feel my marriage is going to crumble, but it’s only on the days I haven’t taken the effort to lean over and give Cale that little kiss he deserves. We just need to be giving other bloggers their “daily kiss” if you will.

<3

I totally feel like I’m the outside looking in. It seems that many other bloggers are blogger friends in real life. But i dont really have any?

[...] wrote a post in the spring when this debate was ‘hot’ gently urging people to get more involved if [...]

Hi Kyla –

Was just browsing around on your informative sidebar and loved this post! I feel the exact same way much of the time and I love your suggestions. Also I love your bangs. I wish I could get up the nerve to cut some! Keep up the good work sister.
Taryn´s last blog ..Twin Spouses