It doesn’t matter what kind of personality test I take, I’m always off the richter scale in one area: Self Determination. The results in this area usually reads something like this:
WOW. So you’re in the 96th percentile in the area of self determination! Your parents really heaped it on with affirming that everything you did was right when you were a kid, didn’t they? You don’t just believe that you’re in control of your own life, you believe that if you set your mind to it you could probably develop super powers.
You know it’s okay to not be in control all the time, right? Right?
This is something about myself I’ve always taken for granted as being ‘different’ until internet personality tests started avoiding eye contact with me when my results came back.
But I really can’t help it, and maybe it’s something about where I am right now – five months into married life, seven months into home ownership, about to start on a new job – I’ve recently been struck by how many little decisions make up the whole of who I am and where I’m going in the biggest and smallest of senses. No matter what I do, I just keep making thousands of choices.
In the morning I choose comfort when I let Mister take the dogs so I can snooze until 6:45. I choose coffee. I choose a black pea coat, black mini gloves, black skinny jeans, black granny lace ups, and a giant creamy bag. I choose to chat with Mister over the talk radio and consult my massive day timer in the car, mostly to look at the illustrations.
I choose to share my stories with my co-workers rather than to stay business. I choose responsibility and trek home at lunch for the first time to take care of the dogs. I choose family when I e-mail a candid shot of the puppies in their snow suits to Jesse, and again when I call my grandma to tell her what they’ve been up to, and what channel The Westminster Dog Show will be on.
In the evenings I choose digital investment in reading blogs and e-mailing. I choose comfort with my husband, cuddling on the couch with the puppies. I choose an early bed time and a luxurious eight hours asleep (at least last night).
And those are just the big choices. The no brainer, circle one response in an HB pencil choices. Because I also choose my thoughts, when I let other people in, the books I read, the people I chat with on the bus and the people I trust. I choose to respond to things in one way and not another, to daydream out in all directions, and which friendships to maintain over time. I choose when to challenge the people I love instead of nodding along, and what little acts of kindness I can drop into other people’s lives.
I’m repeatedly told that I seem older than I am, and I can’t help but think that maybe it’s because I relish being a grown up more than other people my age. Who knows. But I know that more than anything, being really independant is what I have always wanted. It’s the chance to move from little tiny choices to choices of all sizes every day, all perfectly wrapped up and ready to send dominoes tumbling in one direction or another, on into infinity once I decide which decision I’m going to make.
My choices aren’t perfect, and I don’t want them to be. I’m only twenty three, and perfection is over rated. Perfection didn’t give me the scars on my knees or teach me how to comfort my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. Life, made up of all it’s tiny choices did, and it’s the constant adventure, mis-stepping, new faces, and chance that draws me into it’s business.
…at least until the next decision comes along, then my romance with choice starts up all over again.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautifully written, Kyla. I think the importance of focusing on the many choices we make in our days is immeasurable. I think relishing those choices, appreciating them and learning from them, is how we construct who we are as individuals, and as adults.
Like you, I’m thrilled to be “growing up.”
This is a beautiful and thought provoking post. Like you, I relish in the more mature and responsible lifestyle I’ve had for the past few years. I’m a huge believer in the power of choice and attitude. I talked about some similar in my post today. I do,however, need to take your lead and choose sleep more often!
This is where I get tripped up. Excited about adulthood, but not wanting to make those important mistakes. Of course these choices, big or small, are extremely exciting. It’s interesting to think that each one has such an effect on who I become.
Good post.
Oh miss, you are such a beautiful writer.
I’m one of those “more mature than your age” people too. I always have been. Also, I’ve read the last paragraph of this post at least four times. It’s so true.
Lovely post.
I’m actually the opposite of you. I’ve never wanted to grow up or be mature. I do definitely take on the responsibilities of adulthood, but I’m not the mature type of person (except in certain social situations). That five year old in me takes over a lot! ;)
When I was in my 20′s, I was much more of a control freak than I am now. I think we all tend to mellow a bit with age.
Awesome post.
I know I’m guilty of saying you seem older than you are- trust me when I say it’s a HUGE compliment. I would never mean it any other way.
It seems to me that I need to be in control but I’m learning to let that go… slowly :)
I got the “you seem much older than you are” all the time growing up, and even now. It doesn’t help that I’m finishing my master’s at 22, most of my youger peers are at least 24/25. Strangely enough at times I feel like I’m younger than I am. I go through stages where I feel like I’m 45 and other stages where I feel 15, (or sometimes 5).
I just took that quiz and scored a Katherine Hepburn, which is, I feel, an acccurate representation of myself.
i was a bette too : )
What a lovely post. Well said.
Oh, and congrats on the job. How wonderfully exciting! It sounds like a perfect fit for you!
i wish more people understood this. every little thing is a choice and it’s all about what choices people make that make them who they are. i always get the same judgements from personality tests, i’m pretty much an ESTJ no matter how you shake it… type A to be more direct.
people have always told me i seem/act older than i am which i’ve often taken as a compliment but sometimes i wonder what that really means…
I love this. Our choices, and not much else, are what really make us who we are.
Beautiful, lady.
I starred this post because I love how eloquently you stated so many things! I especially like “digital investment.” What a great way to put how I spend a lot of my time. It IS an investment because I feel that these blogs, these emails, they are relationships I am building with amazing people from all walks of life in so many different areas.
I also like the truth in the fact that we do make these choices every day. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes I feel like the choices are made for me, in which case – perhaps I need a little of your control-freakness to rub off on me!
And you know yourself well, too. :)
This was wonderful, Kyla.
I’m an Audrey. :)
It sounds like adulthood is perfectly suited for you. It’s awesome that you have been able to meet challenges head on and made choices that are getting you to where you want to be.
Gosh no kidding. Isn’t that a great thing about life though? We can choose so many different paths, and maybe they’ll lead us to the same place, maybe not. I also love how one choice will sound good one day, and the next, not so much.
I too am always told how much older people think I am (I’m only 23) and love the responsibility and being independent and making choices. This freedom and indepencence is something I’ve wanted since I was old enough to know what it is.
But with this freedom and choice, I love the ability to still make irresponsible choices if I want to. The choice that’s more fun, instead of the “right” choice. And i’m not really looking forward to growing out of that.
I loved this post Kyla. You are so right, it is our choices and they are all entirely up to us. Very well said!
Agreed with the previous commentors: very thoughtful and eloquent.
I, however, don’t relish “growing up”. I miss the snow days, the nights when 11:00 PM was “late” (and not because I had to work in the morning), the bagged lunches with Soda Licious instead of hummus and tofu, the overalls that werne’t worn in some attempt to be ironic or fashionable, the ability to act without fear of repercussions any greater than “I might get in trouble”.
No, I don’t relish it. But I will accept it. And I will rock it.
Very well written. For a long time, I didn’t accept the bad things that happened to me as a result of the choices I made, as if fate decided to crap out on me that day. Once I accepted that I’m the controller of my own destiny, not ‘fate’ or ‘chance,’ it changed my entire outlook on life.
I took the quiz and I’m a Bette, too! I stumbled upon your blog a while ago and have enjoyed reading it. We seem to be in similar places in life (age, newlywed status, puppy parent, diet, etc) and yet countries away. It’s great to have someone to relate to. Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences with the digital community!
I think when we realize that our whole life is made up of personal choices, that’s when we’ve truly reached adulthood. And that’s a really great thing.
Great post!! That test is scraily accurate!! It was like if someone had made a perfect description of me, my dislikes and likes… SCARY!
And choices are what makes our lifes. No choices? No life.
This post made me admire you even more.
I took that test too – I was a Joan.
Well said. Love it! Don’t you love when you can reach insight on the tough times?
I ran across your blog from yourwishcake.com and I love this post! So great.